These popinjays are mad to think the world will be rosier under Labour (2024)

Uh oh. The luvvies are on the march. They are as mad as hell and they aren't going to take it any more.

One week before the General Election, when Labour is zooming ahead in the polls like the Tardis streaking through time and space towards the glorious new socialist nirvana of Planet Starmer, a puffed-up platoon of pan-sticked popinjays have nailed their political colours to the mast.

And they have come out in favour of — brace yourselves, you're not going to believe this — the Labour Party. I know!

One hundred and thirty one luvvie signatories have sent an open letter to The Times newspaper hailing the advent of a Labour government, published yesterday.

Without a blush, the raging thesps and assorted artistes du jour describe themselves as 'leaders, investors and practitioners in the creative industries'.

Apparently, the fragile darlings are tired of the 'political chaos of recent years' and want a government who will 'value the creative industries and put them at the heart of the drive for growth'.

Drive for growth? That's a novel way of saying more bums on seats and a sixth series of Rebus, but as we all know, self-preservation is the first law of nature.

The Starmerite number include Gail from Coronation Street; H from Steps, a practising florist, Fatboy Slim, and a gemmologist who has written an £85 book which offers 'advice on what to look for in a quality ruby' and sadly she is not talking about a prawn dhansak.

There are also two brave souls who have signed while stating that they work for the BBC. You might think such a public declaration of political intent meant they would be sacked under impartiality rules, but of course it means nothing of the sort.

All the usual suspects have signed, those 100 per cent certified professional Leftists such as Ben Elton, Ruth Wilson, Mark Gatiss, Grayson Perry, Stephen Graham, Bonnie Greer and Emily Watson. The only surprise was that David Tennant didn't sign too, but he was busy, wishing non-existence by sonic screwdriver on Kemi Badenoch.

Whatever you think of these people and their motives, one cannot escape the essential, hog-wallowing banality of the celebrity open letter, especially one like this.

These missives don't sway opinion, they don't raise awareness, they don't solve anything — far less everything.

What are they except a sop to the ego of entitled elites; these men and women who like to burnish their conscience between lucrative gigs in an industry where the pay discrepancy between stars and the crews is a disgrace?

The open letter is an open sewer of self-importance. What is it that these swaggering husks want?

It is no secret that austerity and the pandemic have had a crippling effect on many British industries — and yes, of course there were cuts to arts funding — yet today the arts are thriving once more and surely even the evil Tories deserve a tiny thanks for their part in the ongoing success?

In 2022 the combined spend of film and high-end TV production in the UK was £6.27 billion. Meanwhile, the Conservative government pumped £1.57 billion into the culture recovery fund and crucially extended theatre tax relief, which makes investing in shows more attractive to backers. Yet all this is dismissed by the luvvies.

'Theatre tax relief is what is making our industry viable, it's what is making investment possible, without it the whole infrastructure will crumble,' said top West End producer Sonia Friedman this week, but she still signed the letter.

She also complained that Brexit — boo, hiss! — made it hard for Europeans to visit the UK, but is that really true?

Twenty million tourists visited London last year alone and while visitors from the United States are still the largest contingent, their numbers are closely followed by those from Germany, France and Italy.

The myopia of the creative community never ceases to amaze, especially when it comes to funding the arts. No matter how much money Rishi Sunak and other Conservative ministers have thrown at them, luvvies will never be grateful for a Tory penny.

At the National Theatre, the Government has just handed over £26.4 million in investment to launch a fundraising campaign.

This largesse was despite the provocation of two recent productions, which were both slyly and highly critical of Conservative policy, old and new, perceived or otherwise.

Michael Sheen thundered about in Nye, a play about Aneurin Bevan, which suggested the NHS never was, or never could, be safe in Conservative hands.

Then there was a pointless revival of the 1980s unemployment classic Boys From The Blackstuff; basically wheeled out as an excuse to suggest yet again that Conservative 'economic experiments' ruined Liverpool.

I might argue Derek Hatton caused more damage to that great city than Michael Heseltine, but that kind of wrongthink is simply not acceptable.

And there is no escape from this unyielding doctrine across the culturescape. At Glastonbury Festival this year, a mocking banner at one venue reads 'Vote Out To Help Out.' Rishi Sunak must be wondering why the hell he bothered. With any of it.

The Arts For Labour lot are also pushing for a creative education for every child and for transforming the apprenticeship levy. These are admirable intentions, but where is the money coming from?

When asked about school arts education, Keir Starmer waffled that umm, musical instruments might be expensive but drama wasn't expensive so he might, you know, be up for a bit of that.

Look, I'm not saying the current shower in Westminster don't deserve to be kicked out. Nor that the National Theatre shouldn't continue to put on as many disobliging plays as it wants. Or that the wonderful Sonia Friedman should stop making the West End a magical place where you can experience the best theatre in the world.

These things make our country great. But to suggest arts happen in a political vacuum — in spite of the Conservatives and not at least partially because of them — is unfair and untrue.

Or as true as the belief that once Keir Starmer gets into power, it will usher in a new era for the arts; a greasepaint ground zero where everything will be perfect for ever, amen.

Only the luvvies are buying tickets for that new fantasy of wishful thinking.

The moment they reached 18 and could legally do so, Suri Cruise, Shiloh Pitt and Vivian Wilson (previously Xavier Musk) all changed their surnames. Maybe being a nepo baby has its drawbacks, as Brooklyn Beckham has never once observed.

Katie makes a fashion fur pas

Katy Perry hasn't had a hit in a while. Perhaps that is why she turned up at a Paris fashion show wearing a fur coat and no bra — a bold new twist on the more traditional 'fur coat, no knickers' look.

The pop singer also added a pair of shredded tights, which suggested she'd had a fight with a pack of alley cats or washed them in a Vitamix blender.

Look. Be who you want to be. Let it all hang out. Live your best life. However, sometimes it's difficult to defend actresses or singers strutting around in topless/bottomless outfits that have been carefully distressed to make them look like victims of some undisclosed sexual crime.

I'm sorry, but it's true. It is so inappropriate, verging on the offensive.

Or am I just getting old? Not everyone was as appalled as me. At least one glossy thought Miss Perry looked fabulous.

'She looked incredible, tbh!!! Seriously, only Katy could pull this look off,' frothed Cosmopolitan magazine.

Marianne's love lessons

When Marianne Faithfull and Mick Jagger were dating, they were both at the peak of their allure. Two gorgeous creatures at the heart of the counter culture, having the best sex of their lives.

So says Marianne, who is now aged 77 and not afraid to tell it like it was.

'I was happier back in the old bohemia,' she said in The Oldie magazine this week, talking about the 1960s.

'Art was more intense, purer. Sex was hotter, too — more repressed.'

Wise old owls like Marianne believe that repression can only heighten and fuel sexual desire, not suppress it. By contrast, one can only fear for the youth of today, raised like ferals on online p*rn, instant gratification, swipe-left culture and the casual sexual cruelty of rap songs. Does Marianne have a point?

Came across a tragic little corner of cyberspace, where Taylor Swift fans compare their Taylor Swift-inspired tattoos. Some have lyrics, some have the number 13 (Taylor's birth-date), one crazed fan has all her album track listings on his back, a mother and daughter have matching mirrorballs — that's mixed-message parenting.

I've thought about having 'Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me?' tattooed on my forehead but honestly, when I'm in a mood I've got a thunderous expression that does the job just as well. Meanwhile, many thousands of fans have opted for the famous lines from Marjorie, a song Taylor wrote about the advice her grandmother once gave her.

'Never be so kind you forget to be clever, never be so clever you forget to be kind,' is how it goes. A fine sentiment, indeed. However, having it tattooed permanently on your body suggests, just a bit, that you are neither.

New dad Phil is on the bawl...

Phil Foden left England's Euros 2024 camp on Wednesday, after the team's dreary clash with Slovenia the previous evening.

He flew home to be present at the birth of his third child — how sweet.

He and his childhood sweetheart Rebecca Cooke welcomed a baby boy, completing their hat-trick of five-year-old son Ronnie and daughter True, who is two.

Then multi-tasking Phil flew straight back to join the squad for Sunday's match against Slovakia.

This is the nippiest bit of footwork the England squad have displayed since the tournament began.

Congratulations Phil!